I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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