it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
