It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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