If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
