im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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