every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I need water and some morals
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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