i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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