I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
