just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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