if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
