I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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