I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
