she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
