I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
