I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
