Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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