I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
