Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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