Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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