You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
