Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
