I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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