Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
