You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
