HIV tests are more positive than that guy
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
