I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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