The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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