you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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