The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
