You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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