I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have demons in me.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
