There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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