When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
