guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
