I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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