nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
