so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
