Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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