He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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