Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
