Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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