If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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