No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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