The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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