My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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