he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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