I'm going to rape someone's good day.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
