Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
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This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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