I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
