Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize
