I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
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just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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