Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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