Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
