Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
